Four Numbered Questions

For most of my transition I sent the wrong kind of email.

It was long, it was worried, it explained the background, and it ended with something like "can you let me know where things stand?" And I would get back three warm sentences that did not tell me anything, and I would feel vaguely reassured for a day and then realise I still did not know.

I thought that was about the professional. It mostly wasn't. It was about the format.

A long worried paragraph invites a short reassuring reply. That is what it is shaped for.

The change

Four numbered factual questions. A date you need the answers by. Nothing else.

The numbering is not a stylistic preference — it does real work. An unnumbered email can be answered as one thing. A numbered list has to be answered as four things, and the gaps are visible to both of you. If question 3 goes unanswered, that is now a fact sitting on the page rather than a feeling you have.

What makes a question answerable

Factual, not interpretive. "Was this submitted to the court?" is answerable. "What do you think about my situation?" is an invitation to say something soothing. Ask what happened, what was filed, what the date is, what the number is.

One thing per question. A question containing three sub-questions will be answered on whichever part is easiest.

Answerable in a sentence. If it takes an essay, split it.

Not accusatory. You want an answer, not a defensive posture. "Was the language included in the proposed order?" gets you further than "why wasn't my language included?" — and it gets you the same information.

The date

Add one line at the end:

Could you let me know by [date]? If it's easier to answer some of these than others, partial answers are genuinely useful.

The date makes silence legible. The second sentence lowers the bar to replying at all, which matters more than it sounds — a lot of non-responses are someone waiting until they can answer everything properly.

And the exit line

This is the one that changed things for me, and it applies to any professional you are struggling to get an answer from:

If you would rather not answer these, please just confirm that in writing so I know where I stand.

That is not a threat. It gives them a genuinely acceptable option, and it means both outcomes are useful to you. Either you get your answers, or you get a clean written record that they declined — which you can hand to whoever comes next.

An email with only one acceptable outcome can fail. An email with two cannot.

Where else this works

Everywhere, and I have started using it for all of it:

• Your attorney — what was filed, what is outstanding, what is the next date
• Your CPA — what is my filing status, what are the four numbers I need
• A lender — what exactly releases me from this obligation
• Your ex's counsel, if you are unrepresented — factual questions only, and consider getting your own advice before sending anything at all

The general principle: you are not asking someone to reassure you. You are asking them for information you are entitled to. Those two emails look completely different, and only one of them gets answered.

The uncomfortable part

Sometimes you send four clear numbered questions with a date, and you get nothing.

That is painful, and it is also information — arguably the most useful information you will get. It tells you something about that relationship that a year of vague warm replies would have kept from you.

I would rather know in a week than find out in a year. I found out in a year.

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Part of From the Middle of It — notes from my own transition, published while it is still happening. Building the question lists for your attorney and your CPA is module 09 of The Groundwork.